Thoughts....

At the moment I am sitting in the living room, filled with uncomfortable silences and lies because my brother has come home once again.  After reading Bambie's blog and seeing the pictures of Keira, it makes me really wish that they were here now.  It also makes me realize how much I miss Bambie, Josh, Keira, Mike, Deanna, Zachary, Roz, and Shin....  The family that makes sense; the siblings I actually feel close to.

I am feeling very frustrated right now, and in all honesty, all I really want to do is get in Bambie's car and drive.....  Man, I really wish I had my own car.  While I understand that while Bambie's is in my care and therefore I can use it as needed, there is still the sense that it is her car and so freedom is still limited.  

It is hard to listen to my Dad trying to reason with Sean; trying to explain his own thoughts and feelings.  Trying to be the father and yet not wanting to get hurt again; struggling between paternal instincts and the knowledge of enabling....

So much struggle in me lately....  Battling between being angry and cheerful, trying not to let others see how I really feel.  Sometimes it just takes it toll.  

"She's going to beauty school and gets like 1800 bucks a month..."  Yeah, I am sure that is what the scholarships/grants/loans are for...  buying alcohol so people can get wasted.  Sorry, that was Sean's response when my Dad asked him where he got the money for drinks.

This conversation continues to get more and more interesting, and I can feel the sleeping rage in me starting to boil.  I can feel the nausea.  At least I have Bambie text messaging me, and the darling pictures of Keira to look at--ah, sweet sanity!

I need to go...  writing at the moment is not doing as I had hoped....  The conversation is effecting my mood too much, and I cannot draw away from it in writing as I had hoped....  at least not like this....  If you see a new story pop up here, then you shall know why.  Who knows though, I may just go for that drive.